Point of View: The Eyes

Ok, another day, another batch of sights to see.  I’m so glad I don’t look at the sun on a regular basis.

Man the bathroom is dirty.  Better send a memo to the brain to clean in here the next chance we get.  Look at that water coming at us!  Yep, get those eyelids down and guard me from the hot water.  Smart move body.

This shirt is so blue!  And there’re sandals, board shorts.  This is actually kind of boring. 

Ok, now we’re driving, time to kick it up a notch.  Car, car, pedestrian, carcarcarcar car behind us, car on the left, dude coming into traffic another car bicyclists.  Man this is really har-CAR!  Close one legs slamming the brakes, smart.

There’s a lot of sand and water, people in bathing suits.  Oh!  We’re at the beach, excellent!  Lots of cute girls to ogle,

OH FUCK ME THERE’S SAND US!

Gahhh!  It’s like billions of itty bitty knives stabbing from everywhere.  Blinking hurts too much, stay open!  Dammit the wind is worse!

Here comes water!  Yeah, yeah, that feels better.  Whew, that was NOT fun. Now that the sand is out of our general area let’s enjot the sights of the beach.  Hey, there’s Frisbee over there.  Awesome, the hands are going up, but they look a little low.  I dunno if the hands are going to-

*THUNK*

FUCKING DAMMIT WHO CAN’T CATCH A FRISBEE??

Point of View: The Brain

And now, the brain of Brian “The Binge” Johnson, four time world champion hot dog eater, as he begins his match.

Remember, it takes twenty minutes for the brain to realize the body is eating.  Let’s walk through this minute by minute.

Minute 1

Boy, it sure is great to be Brian Johnson’s brain.  He never does drugs, reads a lot, this sure is nice.  It’s a nice day and there’re so many sounds to interpret!

Minute 2

Well well, it seems the ears told the mouth to start something, and boy is the mouth going!  Hey, the arms are helping too!  How about the legs and feet?

Minute 3

Hm, the lower part of the body is just sitting.  That’s weird, because the mouth is chewing pretty hardcore.  At least I think it’s chewing. 

Minute 4

It MUST be chewing, because the mouth is going and NO ONE asked for my input.  I hope they would want my input, I mean I AM the brain after all.

Minute 5

I wonder if we left the stove on.

Minute 6

I sure do like sex.  Ok, the mouth is doing something, but what?

Minute 7

Maybe if I figure out the arms.  Back and forth a lot.  A dunking motion, but always to the mouth really fast.  This is SO weird.

Minute 8

Maybe he’s…I can’t figure it out, I’m a blank, there’s no set thought to anything he’s doing, it’s so mechanical. 

Minute 9

It’s like he’s doing something he practiced over and over, like all those eating competitions!

Minute 10

Wait a minute.  Is he eating?

Minute 11

How crazy would it be if he was in an eating competition right now?  Hah, how wacky. 

Minute 12

Boy the arms and mouth are still going at it, impressive.  Wait, a sudden stop?

Minute 13

Boy, this gets weirder and weirder.  Now we’re leaning back, the hands are resting on the belly, and the belly is trying to tell me something.

Minute 14

“Boo crunch tood?”  “Doo bunch glue?”  Stomach, I don’t understand a thing you just tried to tell me.

Minute 15

Hey alright!  We’re being handed a trophy!  I wonder what for.  Probably for something awesome.

Minute 16

I think having sex with my girlfriend tonight would be great.  Oh!  Also Jessica Simpson before she got heavy.

Minute 17

Oh wow, why does stomach keep bouncing around?  He doesn’t seem very happy.

Minute 18

Great, now the esophagus is acting up, trying to return something.  Hey guys!  We can’t return anything we didn’t get!

Minute 19

Boy, why would stomach and esophagus try to throw up when we haven’t even eaten anything yet?

Minute 20

OH GOD WE ATE 50 HOT DOGS IN 12 MINUTES!!  

Random Thoughts

When I don’t speak for an extended period of time, it feels like I’m sinking into my own little pocket of time and space.  I still interact with things around me, the chair, the car, the sink, but not speaking somehow holds more power than my movements and actions.  In this case, the actions are louder than words, but the silence deafens the action.  And then rock beats scissors.  

I have a theory.  I don’t talk when I first wake up, and since I’ve been waking up early for work a lot lately, I say nothing, I just breathe and occasionally grunt.  I associate needing energy for things like communication and breaking the silence that has taken hold of my world.  This is assuming that I don’t talk in my sleep.  If I do, then my theory still stands.  Why?  Fuck you, that’s why.  

I only know it requires energy for talking because my dad will call me sometimes while I’m still sleeping and the sounds that come out of my mouth can’t really be called words.  Incoherent mumbling, sure, but not words per say.  And then he gets mad at me for making gibberish sounds.  Come on dad!  I’m till asleep, just assume I said “good morning” and tell me why you called.

I mostly enjoy not talking for long periods of time because when I talk to myself I say some crazy shit.  Crazy as in I have no idea why I said I even though I am the very person who said it!  Very frightening stuff if you’re me and your parents walk in while you’re reciting a song about potato penises to yourself because there’s no good television at 3pm.  Eastern Standard.  I think, whatever northern Virginia is.  Also I’m not wearing pants in this scenario.  

An Open Letter to Retail Customers

Dear retail customers,

     I understand that you think you need your book, video game, Apple device, or whatever else you’re throwing money at this week.  But you would be able to make your purchase in a faster and smoother transaction if you took a few steps of preparation before entering the store.

     First know what store you’re walking into.  If you want accessories for an iPad, you’re not going to find it in a bookstore.  If you want a printer, don’t go to a clothing store.  If you want to buy a book, don’t bother even entering a store that sells video games.  Retail employees ask so little, and one of those little things could be you reading the sign before you walk in.

     Second, employees have no control over any store policies.  If you yell at a cashier that the hours don’t work with your schedule, nothing will change.  Not even the manager in all their power can make any major change.  If you hate the design of the store, shut up.  If you think the selection is bad, shut up again.  Shop elsewhere if it bothers you that much.

     Third, returns are meant to be done when you either bought the wrong version, there’s a built in defect, etc.  Don’t ignore the speech we are obligated to give about receipts and return policies.  If you get home and decide to eat your receipt, don’t get mad when we can’t take the item back.  Registers are limited to the point of making them the retards of the electronics kingdom and can’t find your purchase from over 24 hours ago.  Side note: don’t let your pets chew on the device and then try and return it, we won’t and can’t take that back.  Just saying.

     I hope that quick rundown of what not to do sinks in, although unless I attach arbitrarily complex coupons you’ll never read this. 

Happy Trails,

Blake T. Hunt

Drunk Review: The New Facebook

Welcome to the review segment where we at Super Chip Cookie find out what can and can't be done while under the influence.  We give you detailed (usually) and well written (not really) reviews for the drunks who want to surf the web or operate a peeler.  Write in for anything you want reviewed!

Ok so I drank like 7 or 8 beers and then I’m thinking yeah, I wanna get online and awkwardly hit on a female friend I knew in high school, but let me tell you that goddamn newest Facebook while drunk is like a labyrinth.

I went to play my favorite Facebook game Farmville.  You know, waste a few hours of my life.  Turns out you have to find it on the side bar and making it a favorite link was not working.  So I spent about an hour Googling how to find Farmville, though in my current state (hammered) I spent more time watching videos of puppies playing in dirt.

So I eventually find Farmville, I play, no one’s fertilizing, whatever.  Turns out being wrecked and trying to handle Facebook is a damn nightmare.  Someone messaged me, but it took me over thirty minutes to find the message, I kept clicking that one chick’s picture but it brought up a bigger picture and not her profile, and I won’t even get into the madness that was signing off for the night.  I’m pretty sure I’m still signed in.

So in summation, if you’re going to get on Facebook after having several beers, I would recommend against it.  Not only is the site hard to manage under the influence, it’s even tougher when they update the site and my drunk self doesn’t remember it.  If you’re going to get drunk and write to your friends, make it NOT Facebook.  Otherwise you end up messaging your dad about how you’ve always loved his “glorious rack”.  Ugh, I’m changing my Facebook info and hiding under a rock for the rest of my life.

-This review is not claiming that Facebook is hard to navigate, so back off Zuckerberg.  Also it's not entirely factual, it's for fun, and don't drink until you're old enough kids.-